She haunts me

The Internet is full of conspiracy theories. One of the latest I’ve seen is the claim that maybe Sandra Bland was already dead in her mugshot. Since that creepy theory showed up in my Facebook timeline, I’ve been haunted by that photo, by her face. Really, the whole situation sticks with me. It shows how quickly something can go very wrong. Bland herself expressed her disbelief at “all of this” for failing to use a signal.

It seems like every week, every other day even, there’s another story of a black person dying under suspicious circumstances. And it seems like lots of these circumstances start out as situations that got out of hand. It makes me wonder, what is the one thing that could have kept everything from going tragically wrong?

I have no eloquent words or arguments for things like this. I just think of my three little ones. Universally, as moms, we worry about our children. We worry about how to prepare them for the world they will face. What do we tell them?

Maybe it’s as simple as these words from Israel Houghton’s “Love God, Love People.”

Love God, love people
Love my neighbor as myself
My brother, my sister
Everybody love somebody

If we could really get God’s love in our hearts and walk in it, so many problems would be eliminated. Godly love would cause us to respect each other. Godly love would prevent us from harming one another. Godly love would compel us to understand and embrace those who are different from us.

For now, I am thankful that my children are too young to worry about such heavy things. I am thankful that they are too young to be out on their own. And I’m most thankful that they are here for me to hold and kiss. Remembering that there are mothers who can’t do the same for their children will make it a little harder to sleep tonight.

Back down memory lane

I stumbled on this photograph, it kinda made me laugh
It took me way back, back down memory lane
I see the happiness, I see the pain
Where am I? Back down memory lane
— “Memory Lane,” Minnie Ripperton

The past is bittersweet. There are memories of people who’ve passed on, love lost, good times and hard times, and all the experiences that have combined to make me the person I’ve become today. Whenever I hear “Memory Lane” by Minnie Riperton, I feel that bittersweet feeling. That sadness and happiness all rolled into one.

Traveling back down memory lane isn’t such a bad journey for me. It reminds me how strong I am. The thing I feared most happened and I survived it. That thought reminds me to be fearless and to trust God because He’s never failed me.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Always Something There to Remind Me.”

Not the mom I thought I’d be

I’m not the mom I thought I’d be years ago when I had my first child. I had all these visions of fun outings, home schooling, limited TV, and arts and crafts projects. I started out really well, but then I kept having more kids. With three, I feel like there’s never enough time for each one of them. Honestly, I feel like there’s never enough time for anything.

I’m two weeks in to being at home with my kids full time. Again, I had many plans of how things would go. It just isn’t quite working out that way. Each morning I wake up and try to sneak in as much cleaning and time for myself as I can, but then the baby starts crying and the older two kids wake up wanting breakfast. So much for that shower … maybe later.

I would love to know how some moms have twice as many kids as I do and still manage to keep everything super organized while planning crafts, making cupcakes from scratch and chronicling it all on their blog.

I know it can be done, and I haven’t given up on my mommy goals. It’s just not going to be as easy as I thought it would be when I just had one child. For now, I’m praying for more patience every day.

My space. My voice.

I love to write. I love to tell stories. I figured blogging would be the perfect platform for me to say what I want to say about the topics that matter to me. I was right; it was the perfect platform, and I did really well with it for a while. But, life happened, I ran out of inspiration, and my blog got put on the backburner.

Now I’m in a different place in my life. I’ve had time to experience life’s difficulties, become a mom, and grow as a woman. I’m ready to reclaim this space — my blog. And I’m ready to find my voice as a writer again. It’s been a while, but I look forward to this journey.

If you choose to join me on this journey, you can expect to read about my life as a mom of three trying to figure it all out. You can expect to read about my faith and how — despite my imperfections — I’m trying to live a life that illustrates the love of Jesus Christ and honors God.

So, I’m here to tell my story as it happens. It’s my space and my life told in my voice.

A lot has changed

I came to my old blog today and read a few of the old posts. Man, a lot has changed in my life since I last posted here. It’s amazing to read about my past and think about all I’ve been through in the last few years, and how I’ve grown as a person.

I just gave a presentation yesterday about blogging during which I said one of the benefits of blogging is being able to archive your life and see how you’ve grown. Looking at everything here lets me know it’s time to delete the old and start building a new blog that represents the new me.

Music Monday — “Restored” by J. Moss

I love the song “Restored” from J. Moss’ latest album, V3: Just James. The lyrics say, “I’m restored/ I’ve been rewarded/ I’m redeemed from guilt and shame/ Never rejected, just reconnected/ Now I’m exalted because I know His name.”

What beautiful lyrics. I imagine if King David was around, this song would be his jam. After he sinned with Bathsheba, David first tried to cover his transgressions. But, he eventually came to a point where he was truly sorry for what he had done. It was at this point that he came to God and asked Him to remove the guilty stain from him. “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me,” David prayed in Psalm 51:10. David was praying for restoration.

Once David confessed his sin, Nathan, a prophet, told David, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin” (2 Samuel 12:13).  I John 1:9 lets us know that if we confess our sins to God, He is “faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong.” God wants to forgive us, but that doesn’t mean that we should continuously and willfully commit the same sins and take advantage of God’s grace (Romans 6:1-2).

The blessing is in knowing that if we fall, we have a God who will pick us up, remove the stains of guilt and shame and restore us to right relationship with Him.